5 Reasons why my pitbull Outlaw is better then traffic on the 94 freeway in minneapolis.

Ok, you’d figure I’d be used rush hour traffic. I learned to drive on the LA freeways. From the 55 going from Newport to Yorba Linda, From the 405 going from Costa Mesa to LAX, From the 5 going from Santa Ana to Bend Oregon, from the 73 toll road going from one wealthy area to another wealthy area, I’ve been around these freeways.

I’ve spent 15 years on these freeways and it’s a blessing and curse. The blessing, is that if you can drive there, you can drive ANYWHERE. ( This includes you New York, I don’t care how crazy you say it is there). Now, I live ‘near’ the Twin Cities and work ‘in’ the twin cities. Part of my daily commute to work and back includes going on a *ahem* nice stretch of the I-94 which stretches across alot of coldass states. 

The traffic on the 94 is not as bad quantity wise  (the number of cars), lane wise, smog wise or other then the California highways. BUT. The way the people drive here is, hmmm how do I put this very nicely and understated….absolutely fucking atrocious. Here, it’s standard to drive ten miles UNDER the posted limit. Do this for five minutes on the 91 freeway when there’s not bumper to bumper and have your coroner tell me how it works out for you. They don’t know how to merge. They drive sporadic and hesitate. They’ve never heard of blinkers, or the ‘wave’.  Personally, I don’t know how I do this 3-4 hours a day. I could go on, but I got live up to the title of this post, so I’ll cut to the bullshit. I just wanted to give a little background to the local traffic/driving situation up in my neck o’the woods.

So, top 5 reasons why my pitbull Outlaw is better then the traffic on the 94:

1)Outlaw is efficient. He eats quick, then he goes out, pees, then poops, then he walks around and looks for scraps my 1 year old left by his high chair. But it’s a system and he’s good at it, and EFFICIENT. Unlike the 94 freeway.

2)Outlaw doesn’t hesitate. When my son flings a del monte peach chunk off his chair, Outlaw goes in for the kill immediately.When I say in a cutesy puppy voice “what wi’l puppy wuppy wants a tweat”. He doesn’t sit there, get confused, then step on the brakes. He fuckin runs to the kitches, sits then ‘shakes’ his paw.

3)Outlaw doesn’t constantly get into accidents. I never see him crashing into other dogs, then causing the dogwalkers behind us to sit an extra hour on the street. Every day.

4)Outlaw doesn’t stupidly cut me off without warning. If I’m walking down the hallway, he doesn’t just cross right in front me real quick, not being aware of his surroundings,  because he’s shaving his face with an electric razor.

5)Outlaw makes funny expressions, is soft and furry, and likes when you scratch him behind the ears. MN drivers are not any of that shit.

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